The Fart Knight

I'm going to see the Dark Knight in a few hours, and I must admit my trepidation. Everyone is the world has declared this movie the greatest movie of all time. Somehow. I have strong doubts about this, mostly based on the fact that I really hate Batman Begins. However, I'm doing my best to go into this film ith an open mind. Every time I see the picture of Batman riding the Bat Cycle (you call it a bat pod, the rest of us know it's the bat cycle) I get pretty excited. Then I remember who is playing Batman.



Christian Bale. Blegh. His awful Batman voice still rings in my sensative ears. To his credit, I didn't know he was British until a couple months ago. My general disdain of Bale has kept me away from most of his movies. When I did find out he was British I blew a gasket. Batman is American. He is an American institution, and no limey douche should get to play him in the movie. I'm very cool with the fact that the wonderful Scotsman Grant Morrison gets to write the monthly adventures of Batman, but there's something wrong about a british actor playing one of our great tragic psychopaths of all time. I swear if Clive Owen plays Captain America...

The only way things can be set right is if they let an American play one of their iconic roles. I demand reparations. For their stealing of Batman we want James Bond. We're swapping homosexual for homosexual here. At least our fictional hero had the balls to come out of the closet and tell the world he prefers little boys in green shorts to sexy, sexy women. Poor James Bond is still hate porking women in the hopes that people won't discover that he prefers the
taste of seamen.



The rest of cast of Dark Knight is fine. I'm even ok with the Australian playing the Joker, mostly cause I don't really like the Joker that much, and it does chap my hide a bit that Gary Oldman is James Gordon, but I like Oldman so I'll let that slide too. They should have let Alfred be an American, in this BBC version of Batman I'm going to see tonight. The inspired casting award goes to Aaron Eckhart as Two-Face (actually getting Bill Dee Williams back would have been my first choice), so I'm sure he's gonna rock balls the whole movie. The movie would be a million times better if they had gotten Eckhart to play Batman though.

Ok Ok Ok, I'm trying to keep an open mind, I am worried I've already judged it a piece of ass, and no matter how good it is I won't let it succeed. Still, it's a Batman movie, so I'm pretty excited, but if it stinks or if it rocks I've still got Morrison on Batman until 2010, and a roomful of Batman comics that are gonna be better than the movie, no matter how awesome it is. In a couple of hours we'll find out if I've joined the mindless masses, or like Chuck Heston I'm the only bastard left with a brain.